He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
