Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
