i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You made out with two different species that night
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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