And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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