If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize