You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
