Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
