She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
