jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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