i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
