The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
