Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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