Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
