I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
