Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
