I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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