Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
