Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Everything about him screamed your future.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
