I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize