My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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