someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
