dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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