I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize