Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
