In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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