dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize