Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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