been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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