Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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