Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
