she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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