He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
