Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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