Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We had to coat check the pizza.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
