Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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