I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
