Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Your cock deserves a montage
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
