she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
