I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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