When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
