You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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