I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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