So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
