; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
