She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
