Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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