i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
