party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
did i walk over a car last night?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
