Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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