home. puking in laundry basket.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
