Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
