I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
