i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
