well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
