We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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