My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
