I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize