it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize