I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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