god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
