Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I FOUND THE LEGS
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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